Have you ever had a day that you left for work before your kids woke up and then got home when it was time for them to start bedtime? Or spent a whole Saturday at home with them, but didn’t actually play with them or give them the attention you desire to give? Whether you are a stay at home parent or working full time, you know that the demands of our fast paced society and our inability to combat them get in the way of being the parent we want to be. When some days are just about survival, it can seem overwhelming trying to take the parenting role to the next level, but when you muster up the time and energy to give it a try, here are some tips:
Be YOU. Don’t waste your energy trying to be like the parents around you. For all you know, they might be trying to be more like you. What kind of parent are YOU? Silly? Inquisitive? Reliable? Spontaneous? You can’t be everything, but you CAN be you 100% of the time. To be the best parent possible is to be true to yourself and create your own version of what it looks like. Many people fail to consciously construct the type of parent personality they would like to have and instead they replicate practices from their own upbringing or other parents around them.
Share a passion. Along with being yourself comes sharing your passions, talents and interests with your child. This is not to say that you force your hobbies on your kids or make them mini versions of you, but most likely at least one of your passions is something that each of your family members with invest in. What do you like to do? Bake? Joke? Create art? Go on adventures? Sit quietly in nature? Study geography? Watch documentaries? Play music? Renovate your house? Do you currently know what you are passionate about? How can you share that with your family to create genuine memories?
Do something small that will get big results. One of our clients felt like most days were so busy that the bedtime routine was the only quality time she had with her 3 year old. The child started showing interest in the map above his bed. They started to make this their thing. As the nights went on, they made “doing the map” (as the toddler called it) just as important as brushing teeth and reading a book. Even on nights that they are rushing more than usual, they still take at least one minute for each of them to locate three countries. This is an example of how something small, if done routinely, has a big impact and makes you a “better parent” in the long run.
Know how to modify routines. Parents often try to start a special routine with our kids, but because life is not very predictable the routine doesn’t last or it happens very infrequently. Finding ways to adapt a routine, while keeping it consistent, provides your child certainly and safety, yet teaches them to be flexible and adaptable. Think about how your routine can look while traveling, hosting guests, when time is limited, etc. because events like these can easily stand in the way of spending high quality time with our families.
Be mentally, physically and emotionally present. Easier said than done eh? Have you ever had your mind in one place and your body in another? Or have you been with your children in body and mind but felt emotionally distant? Negative thoughts and feelings like worry or fear can hijack parents’ limited time with kids. It’s inevitable that outside factors will cause stress or anxiety from time to time, but learning to push it aside and focus on the moment at hand is a life changing trick. Asking these questions can help you shift gears: Is what I am worried/anxious/upset about related to this moment? Is it something that can be solved in this moment? If I take the time to push it aside, can I address it later?
Find a way to genuinely get your children involved in the household tasks and teach them something along the way. Matching socks with a 1 year old will take ten times longer than usual, but explaining the process, naming the colors, talking about the lengths, and teaching them to distinguish between same versus different are all valuable skills. Virtually every chore we do has an element of vocabulary, counting, fine motor, and even reading. In addition, if we try to involve our kids versus plopping them down on the floor while we do the task, this interaction can serve as quality time for everyone involved. You will feel different about your parenting merely by finding more opportunities to interact.
Choose an activity in line with the values you hope to instill. It’s easy to get sucked into signing your kid up for a bunch of activities and commit to Mommy/Daddy and Me events with peers, but don’t feel like just because you CAN do something, you SHOULD do something. It is very important to learn when to say no.
EnlightenMENTE’s six phase Commit to Thrive program helps participants create a vision for what type of parent, sibling, co-worker, etc they would like to be. Improving relationships and being the best version of yourself is an essential step towards living more deliberately.
