How full is your plate? What would you do if someone asked you to add more? The first step is deciding whether or not the “more” is in line with your life’s mission. Cross check it with your values and goals before committing. If the task or commitment is not in line with your goals and convictions or is going to prevent you from doing something that is, don’t do it. There are many other ways to refuse a proposal aside from bluntly saying “No.” Sometimes “No” does the trick, but there are other times when we want to turn down a proposal more gracefully.
Here are some other ways to say, “No!”
Set clear boundaries in advance. You know those people that you work with that make it clear that they have to leave at a certain time to pick their child up or you co-workers who don’t respond to emails after 5pm because they have “other obligations” or those who make it clear that their weekends are so packed that they will not be available to work on extra projects on Saturdays and Sundays? Those are people who are setting limits. If you set boundaries in advance, you are less likely to need to say no because people will ask you to do less things.
Tell them you need to check your calendar and you will get back to them. Follow up with, “I checked my calendar and it looks like I will not be able to commit to XYZ.”
Use the “if only I had time” excuse. “Wow, that sounds like a great program. If I wasn’t already so overextended, I would love to be part of it .
Be clear about a different priority. “Sorry, I’ll have to pass on that. Right now XYZ is my priority outside of work.”
Be honest about your tendency to over commit. I would love to help, but lately I have realized that I cannot say yes to every project. I tend to stretch myself too thinly so I am making a conscious effort not to take on anything new.
Offer an alternative. Reply “No, but….”
Say “Yes” but let go of something. When new and interesting opportunities come along, you may want to say yes. That is fine, yet remember that when you say yes to something you are saying no to something else. Ask yourself, “How am I currently spending the time that I will now give up for this new commitment?” Am I ok giving that up? If you do want to say yes, consider letting something go.
Know that there is a chance that letting go of a current commitment WILL disappoint others. Make peace with that. Sometimes you will want to get rid of a given commitment. Typically that are the recurring obligations that you see on the calendar and dread. Most of the time you are not stuck. You just feel so guilty about disappointing other people that you feel your options are limited. Start to evaluate your commitments and make sure you are spending time with your most important people whenever possible. As long as you are not frequently disappointing your loved ones, then you are populating your calendar wisely. In cases that you are letting others down, you can acknowledge this by saying you never meant to hurt them, but you need to commit more time to XYZ.
Be okay with taking a loss.- Whether it is a loss of time or money, sometimes your “no” requires you to lose something that was already put it. Don’t feel like you need to stay committed to something that is miserable. It’s okay to stop reading a book or watching a movie if you are not enjoying it or quitting an activity in which you dread participating. Most of the time you are not stuck. You just feel so guilty about disappointing other people. Start to evaluate your commitment and make sure you are spending time with your most important people whenever possible.
Greg McKeown, New York Times Bestselling Author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less eloquently stated, “Remind yourself that everyone is selling something…an idea, a viewpoint, and opinion–in exchange for your time. Simply being aware of what is being sold allows us to be more deliberate in deciding whether we want to buy it.” He is a firm believer that a “clear no can be more graceful than a vague or non committal yes”.
The EnlightenMENTE Commit to Thrive program is a six phase program that helps participants live more deliberately. Learning to say “No” to things that are not in line with your vision is an important step in living the life you have always intended to live.
